“Mommy, if I hold one end of your scarf and you hold the other then we will always be connected no matter how far you go,” he says while wrapping his sticky sweet fingers around the scarf that hangs around my neck.
I’m trying to untangle myself from my two boys. The scarf thief and the other one whose eyes are filling up with tears. My first born, tenderhearted son is trying to keep his face stoic but the tremble and tears are winning. He punches the front seat. “Why do you have to go so far away?!” he cries.
Break my mama heart. Seriously.
I’m only leaving for three days, but there at the airport drop-off line with the airport gestapo giving me that look of “Move it along, lady” it doesn’t seem to matter – it feels long. At least to their little boy hearts. And, if I am honest, to this mama’s heart as well.
I kiss each of his hands and fold them closed. “Hold on tight to those, buddy. When you miss me, pull them out and feel my love right with you.”
“But what if I drop them!” he cries.
“You won’t. They have mama magic sticky glue.” I’m praying he still believes in my mommy magic.
“Maybe I should put them in my pocket. Here, takes yours,” he says as he kisses my hands. “Don’t forget to give Michael his kisses to keep too!” (Always a big brother – looking out for his little shadow).
This may seem wee bit dramatic for just a weekend away. I know, I know. But, for whatever reason, my boys have been a little fragile lately. Feeling things just a little more intensely. Struggling more than usual to hold it all together. Come to think of it so am I. It’s nothing and everything at the same time. Just…life. Good life. Blessed life. But still sprinkled with a whole lot-a hard. It’s not the best time to be going off for a weekend away, but truthfully it never is. If I waited for the “right time” I am pretty sure I’d be doggy paddling in circles lost in the Bermuda Triangle of “Later.” I’ve visited there far too much. I’m done with that particular vacation destination.
This weekend is a leap for me. I am fending off Mommy Guilt to pursue a dream. It’s part of my getting back up again and fighting back. I am spending the weekend at She Speaks – a conference made for women like myself with dreams of making a difference with their words. Many of the Christian community’s most talented women writers and speakers are gathering to share, equip, encourage… and, of course, pamper and play a bit. They are my Yoda’s this weekend. Tomorrow I get to learn about all kinds of awesomeness – turning a blog into a book deal, creating your “brand”, perfecting the craft of magazine article writing, steps to getting published … and lots more. It’s a step towards a dream. A scary one as I don’t want to disappoint – myself or others. I don’t want to jump in splash around and then decide it’s too darn cold and jump out again. I want to wade in deep and find my place swimming among this amazing group of women – women whose books line my bookshelf and live in my inbox and Feedly app.
I’ll keep you updated on this adventure of mine. Right now I am enjoying some room service, a frosty beer and movie. A little rest and relaxation before it all begins tomorrow. A break for my body and mind. My little boys are tucked in peacefully asleep at home being well taken care of (and tattooed with my kisses), so I can let my heart breath a sigh of relief.
Later is now. Dreams take only action to become reality. Small actions that build up to something big…maybe. I have no idea what this will look like, where I will wind up, or what I am supposed to take away from this weekend. But, I am sure of this step and am super excited to find out what’s next. I will try and keep ya’ll in the loop as I go through the weekend.
Here’s to chasing dreams! Even mamas, with her kisses walking around in little boy hands, can dream. Must dream. Show her children that it’s always worth the risk to try. Even if you fall down a lot. Just keep getting back up.
Just keep getting back up. Take a step. Chase that dream. Let’s have an adventure…
Good for you. Leaving is hard, you know I just got schooled in that, but the rewards are amazing. I look forward to hearing about all that you learn. I have things to write, too.
Pam Greaves says
Stephanie I am so very very proud of you! You are truly an inspiration to so many,even those of us who, thankfully, are not called to endure chronic pain. It helps me to read your blog and be encouraged to be the encourager to my own daughter Lisa, who also endures chronic pain on a daily basis. God has wonderful plans for both of you…of that I am very sure! Enjoy your time away, be refreshed, and I will be praying for you….and looking for your book!
Later is now. and again and again. You are a wonderfully engaging writer with a fluency God will surely use. Wait on the Lord. In step with the Lord. Drink deep. Perseverance in Him will take you all the places He wants you to go. Praying you onto His magic carpet….