• Contact Me
  • Photos
  • About Me

Surrender The Day

Welcome! I'm honored you decided to stop by. Join me as I write my way through the magic and messiness of marriage, motherhood and living out my faith while dealing with chronic illness.

Find Me Here: Facebook | Twitter | Google+ | Read my full bio here....

Stops and Starts

Adversity· Balance· Chronic Illness· Faith· Motherhood· Writing

15 Nov

So, yeah, it’s been quiet here for a couple weeks.  After that flurry of blogging mania (ooohhhh, a whole three posts…impressive) – silence.   Well, not really silence on my end.  Just on yours.  Well, on your receiving end that is.  What I am trying to say is, my blogging silence signified a whole big mess of noisy crazy in my own world that left my computer screen blank and my head spinning.  Or (my head) on screen saver.  Depended on the moment.

My health, my house, my boys, my marriage, my whatever it is I fill my days with, all got the better of me and steam rolled me… again.  I have such good intentions.  I do!  So many lofty ideas, projects, notes to write…a list of grandiose (and not so grandiose) intentions.  Right now my life is one of stops and starts.  A frenzy of activity followed by a mighty crash.  The biggest accomplishment some days?  A shower.  And not even the shaving legs kind.  My illness is acting up and getting all sassy on me.  And so are my kids.  In my attempts to tame the tornadoes swarming around me I neglect my inner life.  My writing.  My reading.  My praying.  My just plain being.  That’s when I fall flat on my makeup-less face.

The crazy thing is I know better.  I know that it is when life is the craziest that I need to be the most intentional.  I need to make time for the quiet.  But, lists win out.  OR… I get so overwhelmed and my body aches so much and my leaky saggy brain has me on a perpetual choppy boat ride that I crawl under my covers to escape into sweet sleep.  Don’t get me wrong.  Sometimes sleep is the right answer.  But not all the time.  Before I sat down to write this verbal deluge of inner angst I fought the urge to chuck it all and go to bed (and watch one more episode of Criminal Minds – man, I love that show).

The truth is that right now my world is chaos.  My house is chaos.  My schedule is chaos and thrown by an uncooperative body, children who don’t care one hoot about my plans, and simply the phase of life my family is in.  That is okay.  It’s got to be okay.  I’m trying to embrace the crazy.  Accept the unpredictability.  Harness the present and hold onto it with all my might because I won’t get this time back.  I’m just having a hard time accepting the fact that I am not the put-together mama I always imagined I’d be.

Not too long ago a mama-friend of mine said, “You know, I used to be intimidated by you.  I thought you were this super-organized, all put together mom whose house was always clean and was on top of everything.  But, then I got to know you and realized you were as big of a mess as me! Maybe even a bigger mess!” (To be fair, I did forget this mama’s kid at carpool.  Go ahead and judge.  You should.  That was awful.)

Um…thanks?  I think?  Hey, at least my mess makes someone feel better (except for that whole forgetting her kid part).  I wonder how many of those mama’s that I feel intimidated by would turn out to be a secret mess like me (Although I really don’t think my mess is that secret.  Hurricane Townsend is hard to miss.)  Personally, I think their nails are way too manicured and clothes are way too cute and trendy for that to be the case, but maybe…

How much of my energy am I wasting by feeling guilty about my mess?  About the constant stops and starts in my life.  The two steps forward, gazillion steps back. It’s a joy killer.  It strangles the fun and purpose out of my days.  It makes me want to hide.  (And drink bourbon.  Who am I kidding, I always want to drink bourbon.)

I’m desperately trying to hold onto the present.  Be honest with myself when I feel my intentionality slipping away and grace-filled when I drop a ball (again) because I am just too damn tired to catch it.  I’m trying to remember that this too shall pass.  The emotions I think will never go away are in reality fleeting.  This season is but a chapter in my story.  It is shaped by the previous chapters and informs the one’s to come.  But it is not the whole and should not be treated as such.

I want to rock my story.  I want to rock it good.  I have no idea what that story exactly is or how I will tell it but I don’t want to trudge through the sentences, paragraphs and chapters of my story – I want to get all “Gangnam Style” on it.  This is the only story I have and while I am not in control of much of the setting I am in control of how I play the part.

Now the challenge is holding onto this in the daily minutia.  I’m great at getting zen and on my knees and staying all present when the big crises hit.  I’m a cool cucumber when the excrement really hits the oscillating unit (keeping it classy here, folks).  But in the every day pounding of life — I frenzy and fret my joy away.  I let it suck the life out of my soul and my story goes flat.

So, I will try again.  I will start again and forgive myself for my stops.  God promises me He is not done with me and won’t stop molding until I am back to His factory default before this fallen world got a hold of me.  In the meantime, I will try to have my story sing His song.  Rockin’ out all the way.

“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  ~Phil. 1:6

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) Facebook
  • Click to share on X (Opens in new window) X
  • Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window) LinkedIn
  • Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window) Email
  • More
  • Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window) Tumblr
  • Click to share on Reddit (Opens in new window) Reddit
  • Click to share on Pocket (Opens in new window) Pocket
  • Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window) Pinterest
  • Click to print (Opens in new window) Print

Like this:

Like Loading...

1 Comment

Previous Post: « “I didn’t sign up for this!”
Next Post: lady in waiting »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. wlebolt says

    November 15, 2012 at 10:17 pm

    Ah, Stephanie, good to see you on the horizon today. From one blogger to another…it’s about regularity. And keeping it simple. “write today’s thought today” ~ Love, God. Today’s post on my KC blog: https://kinestheticchristian.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/rest-easy-really/
    I’d love to make your blogroll!

    Reply

Leave a ReplyCancel reply

Primary Sidebar

Recent Posts

  • Therapeutic Swearing – The day I taught my son to curse.
  • When the pain doesn’t stop…
  • Laughing Off the Crazy: Chronic Illness and Lessons In Humility
  • A Letter to My Son: When you feel invisible…
  • Making Room for Pain

Recent Comments

  • Shannon Lambert on “He said WHAT??!!!”: Best Potty Training Quotes
  • Lea on Therapeutic Swearing – The day I taught my son to curse.
  • Lynne Lerch on Therapeutic Swearing – The day I taught my son to curse.
  • Stephanie on Therapeutic Swearing – The day I taught my son to curse.
  • merrimj1122 on Therapeutic Swearing – The day I taught my son to curse.

Archives

  • September 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • April 2014
  • March 2014
  • January 2014
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • July 2013
  • December 2012
  • November 2012
  • October 2012
  • May 2012
  • April 2012
  • January 2012
  • November 2011
  • October 2011
  • September 2011
  • April 2011
  • March 2011
  • January 2011
  • November 2010
  • September 2010
  • July 2010
  • May 2010

Categories

  • Adversity
  • Balance
  • Christmas
  • Chronic Illness
  • Chronic Pain
  • Eating Disorder
  • Emotions
  • Faith
  • Family
  • Gratitude
  • He Said WHAT?!!
  • Lyme
  • Marriage
  • Motherhood
  • Raising boys
  • She Speaks
  • Special Needs
  • Uncategorized
  • Writing
November 2012
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  
« Oct   Dec »

Verse of the Day

“Should we feel at times disheartened or discouraged, a simple movement of heart toward God will renew our powers. Whatever He may demand of us, he will give us at the moment the strength and courage that we need.” ~Francois Fenelon

Copyright © 2025 · Refined Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

%d