I was reading through an old journal and found an entry that I wanted to share. My past self got into a time machine and slapped some sense into my present self Back to the Future style. Let’s read…
“Just make the next right choice.”
This phrase has become my mantra. In my eating disorder days I was trapped by the “all-or-nothing” lie and it ruled my every waking moment. I was either perfect or a failure. Things were great or awful. I excelled or I didn’t try. “Good enough” was a phrase I despised with every fiber of my being. My days had one shot and one shot only. Once I screwed up — in food, exercise, school, relationships — my day was a loss. A big “FAIL” stamped on it. So, I would spend the remainder of that day in turmoil, apathy, or – at worst – self-destruction. I was so overwhelmed at trying to get back on track (whatever that means) that I was paralyzed. THEN I learned the power of one single choice.
Every moment in our lives involves choice. Sometimes emotions spiral and we don’t feel like we have any choices; but that is a lie which paralyzes us. Somewhere along the way I finally understood that God made us capable of choice. Always giving us a way back to His Will. It is not always pretty, but it IS there. Right now at this very moment I can choose to pray…I can choose to reach out and make that call…I can choose to eat the meal and make a healthy choice for my body…I can choose to confess that sin and turn from it.
I have been given the divine gift of the power to choose. I am not a machine. I am not soley ruled by my instincts. I have a mind of intricate thoughts. I have a discerning soul. I have a window to God that can show me the next illuminated step should I quiet to look for it.
Thank you, Lord, for the power of choice…to do the next right thing.
I needed that reminder this week. My next right choice right now? Sleep. Sweet sleep. The rest of life can wait until the morning.
[…] Considering all of this, I am doing amazingly well today. Moving around on my own, eating real food, showered and shaved and even went on a naughty 30 minute outing to Loews to help Josh pick out paint and rug samples for our basement renovation. Right now I am sitting outside taking in some Vitamin D and marveling that I am actually upright. By medical standards my recovery is nothing short of remarkable. Emotionally it’s been a bit of a roller coaster, as it always is when I am stuck in bed for any length of time. It becomes a spiritual battle to fight apathy, self-pity and make the best choices moment by moment for my body, mind and spirit. But, fight on we do, and as of today I’d say God’s winning and helping me “make the next right choice.” […]