“Mommy, here’s a sticker for you! It’s your reward for cleaning up my poop.” -Mikey
Ah, the glamorous life of a mother. No fancy accolades, trophies or prestige’s titles – just stickers…for cleaning up poop. (I figured we’d keep going with the poop theme.) I love the sticky kisses, spontaneous “I love you Mommy”, and cuddles from little boys. Many days these moments keep me motivated to push forward. Too bad that today is not one of those days. My list is long but my motivation is short. My attention span – zero. My discipline to deal with the bills, medical insurance appeals, phone calls, household chores, etc…nil.
So what’s a girl to do? I am sitting at my kitchen table dreaming of bedtime tonight. My fluffy pillows. Clean sheets. My teddy bear (yes, I still have one). Aaahhhh…it’s the stuff of paradise. Can I get a witness?!!!
Stop it! Don’t encourage me! I need to snap out of it. My lack of discipline on days like today astounds me. ME?! I used to be so neat, orderly, structured…my lists were always “ta-done” and I took pride in my check marks. I once landed a job because I had a list of questions for my would-be boss written in a bulleted list with small squares to check. That kind of organization and compulsive listing must indicate a good employee, right? Well, if someone followed me around now – I might get fired. Or at the very least put on “a plan”. I can’t even muster a to-do list today. Let alone my cute little check boxes. Sometimes to get me started I will write down (and check off) things I’ve already done to motivate myself.
Let’s try it: (pretend the dots are check marks in boxes – grrrrr…can’t figure out how to make WordPress do that!)
- Get out of bed.
- Brush teeth. (Scratch, that. Haven’t gotten to that yet today.)
- Clean up Mikey’s diarrhea (From the contents of his poop I discovered that he ate numerous gumballs when he was unsupervised. So that is what he was calling jellybeans! I guess it’s better than the Lego.)
- Frantically clean for the cleaners. (Ladies, why do we ALL clean before the cleaners come?)
- Answer e-mail to friend I stood up over the weekend. Apologize profusely.
- Feel guilty while cleaners clean my house.
- Fold part of the laundry (as an excuse to watch Say Yes to the Dress on the cable television I have been promising I will cancel for about a year now).
- Feel guilty for watching television.
- Lay down to take a nap.
- Get up in 5 minutes. Will-power, girl. No nap yet!
- Wander around my kitchen to decide if I should prep the elaborate meal I promised my husband.
- Realize I needed 8 hours in the crockpot for it and it will never be ready by dinnertime. Spaghetti it is. Wife: 0
- Rinse the poopy pjs I threw in a disgusting pile this morning and start my daily load of laundry (which I do but never quite getting around to putting away).
- Eat poptart.
- Realize I should have eaten poptart before cleaning poopy pjs.
- Admire my clean house. Remember I forgot to pay cleaners. Poop. (Trying to train myself not to say “crap” as my son has picked up on that word and I will soon be getting a call from his Christian pre-school to discuss appropriate language in the home.)
- Look at pile of paperwork. Place head on table with arms over head. Maybe if I hide it will go away.
- Ignore paperwork. Begin blog post.
So that’s about my day thus far. I could blame it on my headache. Sinus medicine. Fatigue. But, I’ve managed to work through all of that before. I think it is partly because, as I said in my last blog post, I am hopelessly inept at staying in the moment. Being present. Mindful. I’d make a horrible Buddhist. Even Yoga drives me batty. All that focusing on your breath just seems like a waste of time to me. There are too many things to do to be Zen! But, then a day like today comes and I can’t seem to get started on any one thing and I think maybe part of the problem is that I am not fully present in the task before me. I’m not thinking about the clothes as I fold the laundry or the precious children who wear them. Nor am I using it as a time to pray for my husband as I roll his socks. If I did then maybe the task wouldn’t be quite so arduous. I don’t take one piece of paper off the pile and focus on it. I don’t breath. I hold my breath and tense my muscles. What if I breathed thanks?
“Thank you God for the gift of medical insurance. Thank you that on this date, at this time, You provided the care my family needed. Thank you that I have internet to check my balance and a working phone to call for clarity. Thank you that I have the professional background to understand how insurance companies work. Thank you for this keyboard to type my letter of appeal. Thank you for the gift of words. Words that communicate. Words that solve problems. Words that have the power to heal.”
For the past thirty minutes I have found joy in writing this. I haven’t thought about what energy it is taking or how many other things I need to do. I have just been present. Communicating with you and finding bits of myself amongst the words. Thank you for sharing this time with me. Thank you for being in this moment. I’m going to go find my next moment.
- Finish blog post.